Part 1 'n a half

I'm not sure I want to go into the messiness of my early teenage years, however, I think that's when the seeking really began. Except I was looking in all the wrong places. I tried on multiple identities, none of which would fit. I somehow managed to think thongs were comfortable (I know, it's beside the point... or is it?) I used to fall asleep (or try to) to Vonda Shepard (I know, that's also strange). I suffered from insomnia, which let my obsessive compulsive nature out of the closet. I would often get up to clean my room at 3 in the morning... or write... or other such things. I would usually sleep through class (if I didn't skip) and accomplished failing Spanish even though I would correct my teacher in my mind. The one thing I loved was work... and other such things. I would usually get there before I needed to and didn't need to be asked twice to stay longer. I worked on holidays with pleasure. Being a fourteen-year-old waitress at an invisible Chinese restaurant seemed to be my only floating device, and I was no where near land. Actually, there were a few islands like the ones that float on the Lake Titicaca (home to the tribe that existed before the sun); women that have forever left their mark on me, floaters themselves, possibly even farther from land than myself. They taught me to distrust men whether or not they meant to and by doing so, in a way, made me very much like the men they resented. Together we shared cigarettes, coffee and our hearts.

It seems I never got around to the subject. From what little I remember of those years, oddly clear through the fog, surfaces part of a Creative English assignment. I don't remember what the subject of the paper was but I quoted someone with this phrase,

"Abraham believed by the virtue of the absurd."

My teacher decided to anonymously read my paper to the class, which resulted in uncomfortable giggles and comments like, "is that a suicide note Miss ...?" I kept quiet while inside a heated debate raged. Was I suicidal because I doubted? Or were they zombies simply waiting for the day to topple over without ever having opened their eyes, much less their minds, to the world pulsing around them. Whether I was suicidal or not, is now irrelevant (as I am still here, the world pulsing around me). At that time I questioned, I doubted, I disbelieved, but worse of all, I didn't care.

Go ahead and cry now
Just give in to the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is to first feel the sadness

-Vonda Shepard,

I guess when life is complicated, simple is good.

... to be continued